Keystroke

Nothing ever turns out the way you’d like
Because what I like is in front of me
And she doesn’t have a clue
I’ll fight my way through self deprecation
If it means there’s something left for her to hold
I’ve spent years feeling inadequate
Until the spotlights of the cities blinded me
Cause maybe no one found me
Like I found you —  overlooked
Or maybe you’re too tired to look up
But I swear if I had a chance this time
I wouldn’t need to sort out my mind
Because I could stop living inside myself
Hold my breath, hold my hand
Dreams don’t come true but you’re no dream
I have felt your touch before
I can’t bring myself to beg so I’ll just stay asleep
Waiting for a phone call, that conversation, those tender lips
Please, please let me in that heart of hearts

I always wondered why
I couldn’t sweep you of your feet
And your shoes make you seem tall
But you’re the same size as me
If I stood on my tip toes
Would you think higher of  me?
Cause I can’t stay this way forever before I fall to my knees.

Nothing that makes sense ever works out
I know what it’s like to live in your doubt
You make me certain I can stand on my own two feet
But if I could, I would still fall down to my knees.

I don’t have much to say when everyone I’ve loved cannot change, or when they do it always seems for the worst. Life is an endless journey through swamp and desert and snow, all the while a wasp circles your head. Your clock is a countdown to someone else’s misfortunes. The only constant is that I get to shut my eyes at night when I am lucky. If I fought for what I believed in, I’d just be writing more songs. Songs die faster than I can, and so they are lessons. Nothing seems to last, even my memories slowly feel the grit of my imagination pressing upon them until they too are nothing but daydreams I’ve made to pass the time. I can remember what it was like to be in love only because I have tormented myself with its sting for so long, I am not hopeless…  but just trying to hold onto something that made me step outside myself. When I was a child I used to dream I’d grow up and be something, now growing up and being anything is my greatest fear. My body and soul are equally useless to this capitalist race. In the end, nothing I do will be looked upon as a whole as anything worthy because I will never make any money and I don’t really hunger for fame, just the idea that I made something that moved someone the way I desperately long to be moved every day. Life isn’t that generous though. And I’m sure if I got what I wanted it would destroy me, so I’ll sit here in front of this screen and pretend I am okay with stasis — although I’ve been forced to watch others endure and their souls look so tired. We have a right to liberty but loneliness pervades everything, money puts up an impenetrable fortress around us all. The worst part is that it is invisible. I doubt my dream is an American dream because it is hard to believe my soul deserves anything when I feel covered in the blood of our history, everyone I have met, and those who I haven’t –but will continue to take advantage of their freedom because the blood is too thick to walk away from alone. And of course, the best pieces of writing will always be the ones the writer is ashamed of.

When I wake up I think, “not today”
We all know hell is other people
So why don’t you give me a call?
I’ve been walking in your shoes
And laughing like you
Trying to pretend you were right next to me

I know it’s not fair
To think anyone’s soul should stay so still
To expect anyone to feel the way that I feel
The way trees could only sway in the wind

This old photobook
I can’t live in anymore
Maybe once a year
It should have been out
I’m saying fare thee well
To history and tradition
My roots are all dead
I fall with grace.

I think I’ve lost my way with words
But words have had their way with me
And the way you stare into my eyes
Like you still see something there

My heart is a time bomb
Ready to explode
To cover you in hot white ash
Oh, you’ll never feel clean again

And everything you thought you knew or loved
Will lose all of its features
Until there’s nothing left but your own thoughts
That you could hope to live in

Could you look at me through that cloud in your mind
That used to paint a storybook absent of time
Could you stand so still and watch the world pass you by
And look me in the eye

I’ve lost my way with words
When they are never what I feel
Wish sometimes what came out my mouth
Was a little more real.

I’ll just keep waiting
For the clock hands to point my way
To point to the sky
Who has closed its eyes from me

You’ll just keep waiting
For a boy with a tender touch
But he got burned
From the fire from his heart

And he’s a firework for display
But his light must go away
You blink and now he’s gone
All in vain all for long

And you’ll keep waiting
Thinking he’s never come
But you blinked but you blinked
and so he’s gone, he’s gone

And you’re passing pretty faces
And that’s all you’ve known
From the shine of screens
And bright film screen dreams

Open the clock
What keeps that tick tock
An ugly maze inside
And so it hurts your ears

(7th hr)

don’t even try
you can’t fit in
and every glance made
shut down in the end

don’t leave your cage
your inmates would cry
there is no world
only moments in time

but still there is hope
at the bottom of this stomach
churning with chemicals
keeping you unaware that you’re sick

and the rat race continues
to be unnoticed
by girls in costumes
with movie motions

rolling on a floor of glass
becoming roses through the sidewalk cracks
leaving traces of reasons
you were ever here at all

and you think I’m a portrait
with paint daubs so thick
you could see my construction
you could feel my kiss

but I think I’m a loser
who didn’t meet the requirements
a failure to fail
with lies so thick

if you were a film
it could never drag on
you are too pretty
the curtains must fall

my mind can’t shut off
when everything is so quiet
and you are much louder
as the pulse to my blood

if I ever knew how to end a song
with clever visions from stars above
with symmetry so plain you’d predict it all
I could call myself dead
and never be alone.

I don’t want to be alone
My mind’s been racing since dawn
But you can see it in my eyes
My desperation sighs
And proceeds my body.

My stomach’s so weak
It can’t handle what I see
It can’t handle what I dream
Hope over a balance beam
With nothing to break a fall

So when I open my mouth
I can’t stop my lies from tumbling out
Now it’s all on the walls and floor
And the dress of a girl who I thought was the cure

I hid under blankets and sheets
I could hear my friends talking through the walls of concrete
They said I’d have my day in time
But if it’s only one day for all these dreams I stand by
I should embrace the view of a starless sky
And drink to Aphrodite’s mercy

my stomach’s unsettled
from the ant farm party
stumbling over bottled up dreams
all the melancholy drinkers
the lonely and unsure
show me a happy drinker
I’ll show you a lie to kill

I wish I had a telescope
to peer into their hearts
find what made them sour
constellations break apart

Will power’s an illusion
Restraint’s a dead fad
It’s how long you can last
Till you black out again

Do you miss the days
When we were so small
The whole world was a playground
Where we ran around

Because nothing seems new
My records are warped
Photos are torn
Seen it all on a screen
Silently mourned

When is too old
To live in a daydream
Cause the day I stop
I’ll have to just sleep

On my unsettled stomach
Hope it calms down
Can’t close my eyes
While it burns
Just toss and turn
Hoping it’ll be a dream tonight
Not another nightmare

all the pilgrims
lost in grid lock
flowers only exist
on long dresses
with the air so thin
believers from the walking dead

I connect the dots
from the chewing gum
to the station where you left alone
I just want to say goodbye again

because all the greetings
meet the same feeling
when I walk by stone faces you know
I am born again

If I could stay
I wouldn’t need to see the
stars again or
moon or sun
or clouds
I’d keep them in my eyes

But when I reach my room they seem too bright
They must be lies
Nothing shines from a cage